Stupidity or Reality?

Life is full of both. Is reality really stupid, or is stupid just the reality? Thats a ponderance.

My life has been completely upheaved in the past couple weeks. I honestly look in the mirror every day and say to myself, out loud, "How the f*ck did I get here so fast?"

So "A" and I broke up a week ago. I haven't written in a long time on here, but we had plans. Major plans. We were moving together to Savannah, Georgia, on July 31st, 2009.

Not anymore.

I am moving to Savannah, Georgia. Alone. But full of hope for a new life and a fresh start, a time to begin working on what really needs it. Not a relationship with someone, a boyfriend, building a life with someone. But me.

I will definitely not be getting into details. But I am now single. Hating it. Loving it. It has been an absolutely ridiculous change of events that I didn't know was coming, but knew was coming all along.

Wow. Yeah. Just thinking about everything puts my mind in a whirl. But I have come to realize a lot of things. And I have learned so many lessons, even if they aren't all so obvious to me at this point. I was in love. I'm not even sure what I was in love with. I know I had a good friend, a confidant, a partner. But even then, what is really sure in life? Another friend asked me, the day after the break up, this question: "Do you know what's certain in life?" I didn't have a response or answer. I had no idea. "What?" He replied, "Change."

Change. The only thing that is certain in life. And boy, am I experiencing a shit-ton of changes this week. I've laughed. I've cried. Hysterically, in both cases. I learn and move two steps ahead. I forget, and fall three steps behind.

I may be a bit abstract, but everything has changed from reality and abstract combined to a completely different abstract and reality. There it is again: change.

I am heading to Savannah in a little under three weeks. Alone. Scared. Confident. Terrified. Excited. Looking forward to living again, and learning. And growing. And putting to use all the lessons I've learned that I have completely forgot along the way.

I have said it a billion times, as many of us have. I believe in things happening for a reason. Not destiny, because if you knew your destiny, you could switch things up a bit. I am able to step back from this almost-year-long relationship I had with "A" and see things from a different perspective.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being sad. I'm sick of talking about it and explaining. What was, just a week ago, a two hour story has now become a quick, abbreviated 20 seconds of what I know to be true.

But, alas, I cannot help but miss my friend. Maybe we weren't that good of friends. I miss my boyfriend. I will get over it. I don't want to right now, but when I've been out with people every single day for the past week, I know that I want to and need to.

I miss you, "A". I will always care about you and hold a special place in my heart for you. We may never speak again, not for animosity's sake but because people grow, move, and change. But I will always remember some of the moments we shared, whether they were happy, sad, angry, or lonely. I will hold on to all of those things.

This is like a death I'm dealing with. Death of my friend. Death of my relationship. My very own death in many aspects. But what I have to look forward to is a rebirth. And I know that my rebirth is occuring at this very moment. Savannah, Georgia may not be heaven on earth, but it is the place and situation I need to be able to continue to grow as a human being. I cannot wait for this, but at the same time I want the next 3 weeks to go by as slow as possible. I need my friends and my family.

Stupid. Real. Everything is a bit of both right now for me. But change is certain, and change will heal me. I'm counting on it.

new year

Quite a bit of time has passed since my last blog.. I was busy with finals week for school, driving back and forth to Youngstown for the holidays with the family (not to mention working both Christmas eve and New Year's eve/day, which I haven't done in at least 7 years!) and spending time with my man. There have been some ups and downs, but mainly ups.

The relationship I'm in has begun to solidify into something even more real, and although I've had a rough patch over the past month or so (the details of which are unnecessary nor do they have any real basis in reality, therefore I will not take the time to divulge them), things have turned for the best and I've grown more as a person, ..maybe I should say as an adult. I've become less egotistical, a bit less worried about issues like trust, love, and committment.

Christmas went alright. I hate that holiday with a passion, and this year proved no different. My bf and I went out with some friends on Christmas Eve, since I worked and was not driving back to Youngstown to see my family at 11 o'clock at night. We ended up getting drunk at straight bars, then heading off on our own to a gay bar for karaoke. Since my bf is a karaoke maniac, he was immediately looking for someone to sing with at the bar. I ended up doing karaoke for the first time in my life!! It was my idea. I said, what the hell- do it. And do it I did. There were only like 10 people in the bar so I wasn't really scared to do it, but eh, its not really my cup of tea. We did two songs, one of his Tim McGraw favs which I only know because I've listened to him sing it at least 237 times, and we did Like a Prayer to hit on my love for Madonna (Like a Prayer also being in A's top 10 Maddie songs).

I also baked a Christmas morning casserole, I don't know what its called but it was damn good (side note: I took some home to my mother, who makes her own version every Christmas.. and she said it was better than hers!) I spent Christmas Eve daytime preparing it before work. It was a lot of fun, and I think I'm back into the swing of cooking and baking and trying new food ideas.

Christmas morning, A and I exchanged our presents. I bought him a few Brown's items that he absolutely loved. He bought me things that he liked. Oh well! Its not about receiving, its about giving and spending time with people.. and I wasn't upset or mad, because I thought it was sweet that he just wants me to like the same things as he does.... but that will not always be the case. For instance, he bought me a pair of Nike Shox (his favorite tennis shoes). My favorite colors, silver and blue- but I don't wear Nike-only Adidas and KSwiss. Its all good though. I'm definitely not complaining. I think he is still new to being with someone and its the first time he's ever bought anything for Christmas for someone he's in a relationship with. So I'm happy either way. I wear my Shox every few days.

Christmas, I went back to my parents' house. It was terrible. I wanted to be with A all day. I missed him. He was texting from his mom's house and he was miserable too. It was a decent day though, until some argument burst out between my sister and I over taking a picture together (she refused) and I left for Cleveland. The week before she had stayed with my niece at my place for the entire weekend. The four of us went to the Browns game (for 10 minutes, it was -24F outside!), out to eat at Hard Rock Cafe, walked around Tower City, played games, watched movies, and went to Disney on Ice the next day. So this argument seemed so retarded to me and I was really kinda pissed. I haven't talked to her since Christmas.

A and I got together that night and it was so nice to be with him. It's like this is is home, rather, our home together now, and it doesn't feel right when we're not together. We began shopping for holiday sales, namely, Christmas decorations for last year. We have gotten so much crap for next Christmas at bargain prices... the other day, we bought $140 worth of decorations for $14. We convinced the girl at the register to give us 90% off and she did it!

New Year's Eve was extremely low key. It was so cold out and it really is the most dangerous holiday to get in a car and drive around, even with one drink in ya. There was a deadly accident on my way home from work and I knew there was no way we were going anywhere. We bought a bottle of champagne and some other wine and cracked a bottle at midnight whilst watching episodes of "The Office" on Netflix. It was a nice night.

Last weekend we took a trip to Sandusky, home of Cedar Point. Of course, this is off season and the place is a ghost town right now, but we stayed in two different hotels for so cheap, and the rooms were big and had a hot tubs in them! So awesome.. We swam in the pool, hit up the sauna and jacuzzi, went to a little gay bar in downtown Sandusky by Lake Erie (we were 2 of 5 people there), had some good Mexican food, and went to a bar in Norwalk called "The Office" (we just HAD to visit!) and got drunk. It was a nice, albeit, expensive weekend getaway for us before school starts on the 12th. (Expensive because we tend to blow through money like water on stupid crap)

Tara, my BFF from Cleveland who now lives in California, was back in town day after Christmas. I really only got to see her like 3 times, and I was so tired from the holidays and I was with A so much that I didn't get much time to spend with her. I was hoping for a Boston Market lunch, one of our old pastimes, but it never happened. She has decided to move back to Cleveland in April, and that really makes me happy. My boo is coming home! Bout time..

So that brings us up to speed. I haven't been on the computer much in the past month, mostly because I haven't been in school- and my online classes allow me to sit and waste craploads of time in front of a monitor, thereby giving me time to write blogs. I have 5 classes this semester so I should be extremely busy. I can't wait to get back, I miss it! I'm crazy, I know.

Oh yea. Almost forgot. Since A is here so much, and because he gets either bored or irritated at his mom's house, I decided to..... give him a key. its been almost 4 months, and he spends every night here. With school starting up, I figured it would be easier for him to come here, get online, do homework in peace, whatever.. if I'm at work or not home. I gave him the key without warning last night, and his expression was priceless. He was so happy that I did this. I wanted to wait til Valentine's day (like Dwight and Angela in The Office) but I wanted to make his transition into the new semester with classes downtown as easy for him as possible.

I'm completely in love. We're looking at houses this Sunday, if that says anything.

=)

In the spirit of Christmas...

..a little classic 80s holiday celebration, if you were even around for it back then.

And I guarantee, one of two things will happen.
1) You will wish Christmas was EVERY day, just to see shit like this all the time.
2) You will vomit.

Either way, enjoy!

Setting the Record Straight

So today I watched Brit's MTV "documentary" on Youtube. It was supposed to be a no-holds-barred, no-question-left-unanswered, tell-all documentary, which it most certainly was not. All I could picture was Madonna in "I'm Going to Tell You a Secret" getting her hair and makeup did, driving from location to location dropping wisdom bombs, having fun with choreographers and dancer auditions, and showing a bit of a vulnerable, sad side to celebrity life.

Britney went much further and had a couple breakdowns, shedding tears and revealing how lonely she is, and how boring her life is.

Alright. Enough is enough. I am broke, along with my boyfriend, family, and friends. We do not have dream lives, getting whisked all over the world without a care, or dropping everything (including your children, who can be easily dragged and dropped into the hands of a caring Mexican nanny) to take a vacation or trip somewhere on a whim.

I'm so sick of celebrities crying about how miserable celebrity life can be. They can get out, if they want to. Guaranteed, if Britney would've gone back to Louisiana after K-Fed, within 6 months to a year she would be a nobody, just like the rest of us, just like she pretends she wants to be. I'm sick of celebrities crying about how the paparazzi hounds them relentlessly. You know, without those crazy photogs pushing and shoving, snapping blinding pictures in the night, chasing on motorcycles at breakneck speeds through tunnels... well, you celebrities would be nothing. No one would be interested in your life.

I saw a clip from gossipgirl.com today about Britney leaving a dance rehearsal in tears. One simple snapshot tosses her back up to a head story on Fox News with no explanation whatsoever. Forget Iraq. Forget the economy. Forget gas prices. Why in God's name is Britney Spears crying?? Poor, poor Britney! We'll never know why, but everyone wants to gawk at the photos. To say that she's sick of the photographers is just ridiculous. These celebrities live for publicity, sales, and getting their name out there. Just ask any startup band, singer, artist, etc... and they'll all want the same thing: having their name dropped. And whether its in a positive or negative way, who gives a rat's ass. Publicity today disregards either side for the sake of getting a name drop and maybe an extra few thousand record sales.

I felt bad for Brit for a few minutes, but then I just realized I was getting sucked in to this little circus (no pun intended). Its only intent is to boost record sales 2 days before the album dropped.

The only highlight was an appearance from Madonna, who stiffly acknowledged her motherly devotion to Britney (although I imagined a conversation between the two and laughed, Madonna would have nothing to say to Miss Spears...she's too... dense). Please, I love Madge, but this is all an attempt to have her name dropped as well, and right at the end of her Sticky & Sweet Tour. But whatever, Madonna knows how the game works, and has worked it extremely well for over 25 years in her favor. Funny that when Madonna sat and hugged Britney backstage before the San Diego show started, she really had not more than 5 words to say to pop princess. Very awkward.

The Holidays: Part One

I'm so tired right now, so I don't know why I feel the need to sit here in front of my little 15" LCD and type up yet another blog. I stopped drinking Diet Pepsi Max several hours ago because I have a day-- no, a long two weeks ahead of me... after a long two weeks have already passed.

So, how to recap without getting too crazily involved...

Well, yes after the Pittsburgh trip, things went back to normal. I felt super lazy though, and didn't feel like working or doing any extra homework to get myself ahead before finals. My boyfriend, since that trip almost two weeks ago, has slept over every single night save for one night before Thanksgiving (as well as tonight, which is yet another reason I can't get to sleep yet) and become somewhat of a permanent fixture at my apartment. We haven't been going out that much still, and have kept drinking to a minimum. We started taking walks, even in the cold, windy, blustery Cleveland weather which blows at sometimes hurricane forces off Lake Erie.. and since I live a block away from the lake, it can make for a painful and numbing experience.

We have spent a couple entire days together as well, but since we're both a bit on the lazy side, didn't do much aside from eating, sleeping, and laying around like pigs watching movies and reruns of 30 Rock on Netflix. But for the first time in a very long time, I am feeling so comfortable just laying around with him. He has definitely turned into the old adage of "a lover and a best friend", although I abhor using the term "lover" in a sentence. This is the only time you will see me do so. I hope.

Thanksgiving was alright. I mean, to drive almost 90 miles to eat dinner and hang out for a few hours is pretty much a retarded idea, but I really wanted to see my mom, dad, grandma, and niece. Oh yea, and my sisters, and maybe my brother too. It seems like forever since I've been home, and had already felt a tad homesick when I drove through Youngstown on my way back from Pittsburgh without stopping the previous week.

My niece and cousins all started playing Charoodles or some bullcrap like that, but we ended up having a lot of fun. I don't ever really see the cousins, and its always interesting to me that after six months or a year apart, they still fall back into love with me, hanging on my arms and legs, jumping on me, dragging me this way and that, and trying to get into civilized conversations (which, for 10 year olds, can be rough). It was a really good time. I talked more to the kids than the adults, which has always been me. I never really felt like I fit in with them anyway.

The only thing I feel odd about is my brother. He's recently engaged and left me a voicemail a few weeks ago about being in his wedding. Of course, me being the big queer that I am, I really don't want to go to any more weddings, let alone be in one. But of course, I will. Its just.... my brother and I used to be friends, brothers, whatever. Now, its as though I don't have a brother anymore. It has nothing to do with being gay at all, just... distance has come between us. And a girl or guy, in our respective cases. Whenever we were in town together sans bf or gf, we would hang out together. I miss that. I miss him. Who knows if things will ever be any different, but it is what it is.

So my mom tried to gently coax me into staying overnight, but everytime I do, I wake up the next morning to a big, cold, empty house. No one is ever home. God forbid I need a cigarette, because I can't smoke in the house, and the alarm is set so I can't even leave the house. Eh. So I opted to drive back to Cleveland. This is my home now. I'm comfortable and actually really happy here. And when I cross the big bridge over the valley on Route 480 and see the lights of downtown Cleveland in the distance, I feel like I'm just where I belong.

Of course, I also wanted to see my boyfriend. The holidays are rough for both of us, and especially for him since he's not even out to his family. They know he's in a relationship, of course.... but they think its with a girl. That doesn't bother me in the least, but I feel like I'm missing out. And on my part, its too soon to take him to my family's holiday feasts. I need to break them in slowly.

So he came over and we took a late night walk through Lakewood. We passed a giant McCain/Palin campaign sign that is on busy W. 117th (and I drive by that g.d. thing every day on my way to work, too). Hmm. Thanksgiving night. No traffic, everything closed. I suggested we tear that garbage down. Before I could dot my i's or cross my t's, my boyfriend was running toward the thing like a maniac. And then he ran right through it. I looked around nervously, as a cop had, just moments before, crossed out path. There was a black man across the street who started screaming cheers and yelling "OBAMAAAAA YEEAAAAH!" which actually gave me quite an awesome feeling. The sign was so rigid and so tied down to the ground that I couldn't do any damage. My boyfriend tore it in half, of course.

crappy Blackberry picture from my Jeep the next day... wish I had a video!

I met some of his friends the night before Thanksgiving. Actually, they're mostly co-workers, and not really his friends... but I was nervous as all hell to meet them. He's met probably 30 of my co-workers, but that was nothing for me, and he didn't show his nervousness.. he revealed that he was terrified before that, though. They were... interesting. Mostly girls, as they're restaurant workers as well. But they're... on a different level. Plus we were in Brunswick so... 'nuff said. My boyfriend did tell me that a couple of the girls are in love with me. Great.

I'm glad Thanksgiving is over. And Black Friday. I don't fare well with looking for deals at 4am. Its so dumb to me. But I'm definitely in gift mode now. I bought a couple things for family and I'm desperately scrambling to think of gifts for my boyfriend. He's got my shopping done, and wanted to tell me last week what he bought me. And he went over our minimal $50 limit, but eh, it happens.

So, help me. God. Help me. He's a hillbilly. He likes the Browns and Cavs. Country music. JOHN DEERE. DEAR LORD is more like it. But thats why I love him. And I'm having super hard time trying to figure out what to get him. I know I want to get him a Cavs or Browns travel cup, since he tends to carry coffee cups out of my house and comes back with coffee stains all over his crotch area. And maybe a hoodie since he's a hoodie fan like myself. And I got him a Santa stocking, but that will be easy to fill. But I honestly cannot figure out what to get him that will be special. I'm really bad with gifts and I don't buy them that often. Help me!!!

I really need to get to bed. I want to read first, because I'm still thinking too much and need to make myself black out. Its my first night of solitude in a week and I'm already having a hard time figuring out what to do with myself. Left to my own convictions, I tend to do nothing but think and overthink anything and everything, ad nauseam.

Britney's Circus

I never did like the circus... lots of poop, stinky smells, and scary clowns. I don't like Brit's new cd either. Maybe a couple songs here and there may grow on me, but last year's Blackout was (sadly to say) much superior to this attempt. This one's garbage!

And I have been listening to "Kill The Lights" and I'll be damned... I do NOT hear Madonna's processed voice for 50 seconds during the song like all these websites are claiming. Someone point out the exact time for me, because I ain't hearin' it!

Britney Spears' Circus gets 2 thumbs down and a bleccchhh from me.

new favorite show

I never watched "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia" before, and I don't know why. I just rented season one, disc one.. and I have been laughing my ass off through every episode. I'm currently watching the fourth or fifth ep on the disc and I had to take a break because I was laughing so hard I almost threw up. Let's just say that I identify with Sweet Dee's fear of old people.

This show is already on its 4th season on FX...... check this one out!