last day

Finally, the big moving day is here.

The past few days have been great, full of fun times and sad. Its definitely bittersweet. My two favorite gals from work brought in a cake on Tuesday, my last day at work in Cleveland. We say around and talked and laughed after our shift.

Then, upon my announcement that it was time to go, the tears began to flow. I'm so glad they were all there. I'm gonna miss them all a lot.
I got a sweet note from a woman who has always been on the quiet and reserved side at work. I have messed with her hard core for years now. She acts like she hates it, but I know she loves it. Secretly. So she gave me a note and I asked if I should save it. She nodded yes, turned around, and took off with obvious tears in her eyes. That hit me so hard.

I guess I've really had a big impact, in so many ways, on these people I've known for 3 short years. Some good, some bad. But mostly fun times were had by us here in Cleveland.

I said my goodbyes. I hope at least a couple people come visit me. I will definitely be back, at least to visit.

I had my last few drinks last night sitting on a patio on the corner of 117th and Clifton last night. I remembered what my manager had said the other night.. "this is really starting to get to you, I can tell, you're looking around at everything with wide eyes and just absorbing it all, making sure you remember." And I am. I don't want to forget anything that's happened here. My memory is already so bad. I can't ever forget this place, and I don't want to.

Yesterday went smoothly, once I had a few people to help me pack the truck. Today, all I have left are a few boxes and the big furniture. I pray everything goes fine. That my sisters and niece make it here alright. That I have enough help for today. That by this time tomorrow, I'll be loading my belongings in to the new apartment in Savannah, Georgia.

I haven't seen or heard from A. Not sure that I want to. I left his last couple belongings in the closet with a note. I don't know if I repeated some of the same things that I told him 3 weeks ago when we broke up. I can't stop noticing the car he drives, all over Lakewood. I never saw his kind of car before, and now it seems as though every car is his car. I don't know what that means. Maybe I just miss him and wish I could see him one last time. That might put me back to square one though, so forget it.

I'm really happy for where I'm headed in life. I'm excited. Things will be ok. I'll never forget cleveland, my friends here, or the life I've lived in the past 3 years. I can only look ahead though, and realize how much the future has to offer me.

This should be very interesting.

final week

I have got to crank things up a notch. I have so much work to do, and so little time.

Moving day is Thursday. My sisters and my niece are coming to Cleveland and we are hitting the road around 7pm for Savannah. I'm getting really excited but at the same time, my heart is breaking. I feel like I need to be around my friends more. But I've spent so much time with everyone in the past several weeks, and I have had so much more fun, along with the pouring out of a lot of emotions, than I have in a long time. I don't remember feeling like this when I left Youngstown to move to Cleveland just 3 short years ago. My, how things do change.

I was in a different phase of life then, and completely ready to move on. I had broken up with my boyfriend of 4 years about 8 months before that move. So, although I had moved on in the relationship department, it was still pretty tough leaving family and friends that I had been around for my entire life. I can't say that I feel exactly the same, but those feelings are coming back to me again. I definitely need a change of pace. I need to reinvent myself, not completely but in order to focus on the things I need to focus on, this is the only option I believe I have at this point.

I spent the entire day last Friday in Youngstown with family. I visited my grandmother for several hours. I stopped by her house as soon as I got back in to town and surprised her. I love her so much, and I see where I get a lot of my personality traits from. Yep, its all her. We sat around, ate some strange, abnormally large cherries that she had just bought from the store, and smoked about a half a pack of cigarettes each. She told me stories from the past, I told her some stories from my days in Cleveland. We had such a good time. I miss stopping by to hang out with her like I used to.

After that I went to my sister's house and hung out with her and my niece for a few hours. We grabbed some food, talked about the move, vacation for them, lots of things. Took my niece up to the school up the street and flew her kite. At least, we tried. The wind was just not working with us that day. But we had a lot of fun, it was nice making my niece laugh and see her having a good time.

Stopped in to see my parents last. They have been around for me so much for the past few weeks. No, scratch that. They've been there my whole life, even through some of the roughest years of my life. We might have had a falling out years ago when I came out to them at 17, but you would never be able to tell now. We talked for a long time, I got lectured about driving (I made it known to my mother that the reason my car insurance is in the 30 dollar range for full coverage is because yes I still drive like a maniac, but I'm very experienced and cautious most of the time), and to protect my sisters and niece down in Savannah. Please. Youngstown is much more dangerous.

I had a complete breakdown when I was preparing to leave my parents' house. My mom started crying. I started crying. My dad just stood there and smiled and hugged us both. Its so hard to leave them right now, but everything will be fine for all of us. They reinforced the fact that yes, this will be tough, but they have seen me grow and change over the years into a very strong individual. Sometimes, I see that too. Other times, I don't feel like I've ever learned anything. But I know I'll keep becoming stronger as long as I push my limits and continue to be open to change.

My going away party on Saturday was fantastic. Not everyone I wanted there showed up, but the ones who did really did make me feel so wonderful. I was afraid that not many people would show up. But they did. My friend Amanda from my online classes a couple years ago showed up with her boyfriend. THAT thrilled me. Greg and his bf Steve showed up. THAT also made me smile, I haven't seen them in ages, it seems. Everyone I work with that came that night really lifted my spirits and made me feel so great. I met a lot of awesome people in Cleveland in such a short time, and made a lot of friends who I know will always be my friends, no matter where in the country we go. Tara is the best. And so is Tiffany. I absolutely adore both of them. I hate to leave Tara. She left me for California a while back, now I'm leaving her. But I don't know.. there's something about me and Tara that just clicks. I can't believe it took me most of my life to find someone like her. Friends like that just don't come around too often, if ever. We partied and played Wii bowling for hours, and left downtown Cleveland in the early a.m.

Sunday began my final countdown at work. I was retardedly exhausted, but got my second wind that evening at work. Came home, couldn't sleep, and finally crashed around 3 in the morning. Two days of work to go. Today was great. Not many people at work to talk to, but I made money so who cares. Tomorrow is the night I'm looking forward to. My girls Denise and Deanna are both working. I definitely see myself crying tomorrow night. Its going to be super hard to walk out of that place with a dry eye. What can I say, I'm an emotional mess sometimes. I hate leaving people that I have literally fallen in love with over the past few years. They've been there through so much, we've had so many fun times at work and out a couple times too. They laugh at my oh-so-stupid jokes and filthiness that I'm always spewing.

So yes. Tomorrow. Final day in North Olmsted, Ohio. Final day of work, and I'm actually excited to not have to deal with anything work-related until August 10th. It will be tough making my final walk out those doors, but I think I will feel great.

Sad, happy, nervous, everything. Those feelings are not changing, but becoming more intense. I'm so excited for the future, but I need to enjoy every last minute I have here in Cleveland.

long day

I got up really early this morning. Well, for me it was early. About 8am. I was already completely anxiety ridden and now I'm having landlord issues at my Cleveland place. I hope everything works out ok. I don't need any more problems on my list.

I began packing immediately after waking. I worked on the kitchen for a few hours, cleaning things and throwing out crap I don't need to drag to Georgia. I have to admit, every time I find little things I get a bit emotional. A card, a note, a clipped coupon, for goodness sake. They all do something to me. Doesn't matter who they're from, they get to me right now.

I was overwhelmed at first this morning but I feel a lot better that all the cupboards and drawers are cleared out. My next task is the other half of the kitchen containing a bookshelf and my computer desk. I have so much crap piled everywhere. I honestly don't know why I keep so many random pieces of paper that have no meaning or use. I'm a packrat. Just like mom. Hah.

I went out last night with the guy I met last week. It was a decent time. We went to a downtown bar, met up with my friend Tara who was working, and ended up at her boyfriend's bar. I got a rose from the guy I was with, which I believe I left in his car. Oh well. It was the thought that counts.

By 3pm I was completely exhausted. Went to grab a pack of cigarettes and heard my Jeep making really strange sounds. Great. Thats all I need right now! It sounds like the power steering fluid may be low. Yeah, I don't know that for sure, thats what some girl at work told me and I'll just go with that. I hope its nothing major. Thank goodness I'm towing that beast down to Georgia, I don't want it to die on the way there. Should be ok though. Maybe I'll take it in to the shop to have it looked at.

I am hoping I've saved enough money for this trip. I'm getting down to the wire. I only have 4 or 5 more days of work left before its time to pack it up and get moving. Scary and crazy and sad and exciting all at the same time. But I'll be ready for it.

I still want to go to Youngstown on Friday. I need to check my finances though. Maybe I'll need to get a bit of cash from the parents... I hope gas stays cheap, I'm only estimating 150 for the truck. I really hope that's all it will be.

The weather in Cleveland is so terrible. It hasn't felt like summer in ages. Its cool and wet and rainy. The nights are getting cold too. Screw El Nino. This is a crappy summer, weatherwise.

I've been hitting up the old myspace again lately. I need help for moving. Not a ton, just a few good people to help with boxes on Wednesday. The big stuff, eh I'm pretty sure me and Tara's boyfriend can handle that ourselves. Yes, it will suck. But moving my couches and bed down 4 storeys should be easier than it was getting them up. We have gravity on our side this time. Phew, I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

life changes so quickly

Its kind of crazy. Things move at such a rapid pace. Life can change so quickly. Nothing in my previous relationship department has gotten any better. I think its gotten worse. More strained. At the same time, I've begun a transformation into becoming a better person, becoming more stable within myself, becoming more outgoing.

I still talk to "A" every couple days, whether its through text or a phonecall. It is definitely not feeling right. I'm not used to this communication for communication's sake after a break up. I don't know how to act. I feel like he sounds as though he's a different person. Maybe its because of the fact that I want to hear him hurt, sad, depressed, upset; something, anything. I'm getting better every day, although I still continue to have random outbursts and breakdowns. I do it in public. I do it in private. I did it the other night in front of several people, and I am so embarassed for that. But I felt support.

I have met several new people in the past couple weeks. I have some people I'm communicating with online in Savannah, and it gives me hope that I will meet new interesting people wherever I go. I'm reconnecting with family and friends to the point that I'm kind of regretting leaving them. If I wasn't leaving and things never changed, I would never really have found out just how much these people mean to me, how much I mean to them, and what I really will know is special to me in my life. You don't know what you've got 'til its gone, but I don't feel like they will ever be "gone". They will be far away. Definitely not gone.

I met a guy last week. I like him a lot. I broke down on him as well. Let me just say this: I felt more of a bond, a connection, in a few short hours than I did with "A" in the entire past year. He said the things I needed to hear. He was close to me the way that I wish "A" had been. He made me feel so wonderful, in a completely non-sexual way.

I don't know if anything will come of it. At this point, 9 days from a 700 mile move, I highly doubt anything could. But things are happening to me every single day that are teaching me life lessons, and I'm truly trying to figure them out, or not to figure them out, just allowing life to flow along as it will. Maybe he will be around one day, maybe not. I can't be concerned with the outcome of that particular situation, but what I can be concerned with is how this is helping me heal my wounds tremedously. The simple fact that I will be able to love and care again has resurfaced. I will find someone one day who will treat me better and I will treat better than I could have ever imagined possible. That person will be my soulmate. It will only be a matter of time.

In the meantime, I spent the weekend working, partying extremely hard, sleeping as little as possible, and visiting with my family. My sisters' birthdays came and went, and I had the best time with the entire family. Everyone important to me was there. I know its the last time we will all be in one spot before I move, and it was one of the most emotional nights I've had in, well, I can't remember how long. I stayed up and talked to my mom. She told me how much change she's seen in me as a person. She made me feel so loved. I hope I let her know how much I love her too. She is really my rock, and we are so much more alike than I'd want to believe. But we are so similar. If I could end up half as strong as she is one day, I'd be super lucky. For now, all I can do is try.

I stayed overnight on an airmattress and slept like a baby under the circumstances.

I have a lot more work to do as far as packing and preparing for the move. I will get it done, whether its gradually over the next week and a half or all in a days time. But I will do it. I have so many people I want to spend time with too. I will fit everything possible in. I even have a date tomorrow night.

I'm getting very excited for everything that is to come.

lonely

I know I needed a break from going out. But now that I have it, and I'm sitting here alone tonight, I'm really trying to focus on the future and not the past.

Man, this is rough. As I said previously, I jump two steps ahead in the emotional department and then immediately, without seeing it headed my way, fall three steps behind.

Everything hurts tonight. Everything is bothering me. I feel like I have no distractions, nothing and no one to ease my mind, no one to comfort me. I probably could find someone to make me feel better, but I think I need to feel like this. I don't want to go completely numb and just not give a shit anymore. I've been there and done that. I want to learn from this. I talked to people at work tonight and they reinforced my strength, my goals, and told me how much they were going to miss me. It felt really good. I know I'm a strong person and I can get through this. The loneliness is the thing I can't stand.

I went through so many years of being alone; middle school, highschool, college years, post-four-year-relationship, and now it seems to be back. I was always so hard headed, so stubborn. I didn't need anyone but myself. In periods of my life such as this, I guess I get so used to not being alone for a length of time that I really forget how independent I really am. I am actually really loud, fun, and crazy at times. But its just taking me some time to readjust to all of that. I feel like a stick in the mud around my family, my friends, and co-workers.

I want to live day by day and that is my definite goal. I want to wake up refreshed and be able to smile again. I want to fall asleep without having to squeeze onto a few pillows as hard as possible. I guess its just going to take me some time.

What makes things harder is that I get random texts throughout the past week from "A". As soon as I feel good or forget my emotions for a few minutes, "DING!" there's a new text.

I am taking a class for him online. I don't mind. But its so hard sometimes to know that I'm doing this for him. I have offered up so much assistance and help in the past for him. And I won't ever stop. If he needs me, I'm there. He has been there for me. I don't want him to resent me, and I don't want to resent him. I think we have a pretty good balance right now.

Ok, so to be perfectly honest, I really want to know what he is doing. That's normal, right? I mean, I want to know if he even thinks about me. Or cries. Or feels bad. Something. Anything. I know he cares, or did care. I don't know if he is emotionally detached already. I'm not. How could you be, after that much time? You would not be human at all.

I can't sit here and think I'm the only one suffering. I heard a girl crying on the phone outside in the street about some relationship ordeal, and it really made me feel better. I'm not the only one. And there are two sides to this ordeal right now, so since I'm only seeing and knowing my side, it seems to be that nothing else is happening in the world.

I am just missing him right now. I'm too lonely to care about anything else in my life at the present moment. I'll learn to be independent again. But for now, I'll just have to settle for feeling completely lonely.

you will be missed

i just left tara's boyfriends apartment in downtown cleveland. it was 5:17am. i realized how much i will miss cleveland.

i fell in love with this city the moment i moved here, and over the past 3 years, have grown to hate it. but this morning, walking as the sky began to lighten in brilliant colors beyond key tower and tower city, really made me have a change of heart. the drive over superior bridge, past the federal building, was beautifully lit in blue lights as usual, but with the backdrop of a new day, looked much more splendid than any night of drinking downtown would give credit to.

we played wii bowling for hours. tara and i met up and i showed her my apartment, she needs a place to move in to and this would technically be the best and cheapest option at this point.

we headed to the patio, in lakewood.

she said it felt like old times. it really did.

talking about our problems, fears, dreams, men, therapy, and everything else.

we headed downtown to meet up with her boyfriend of several months. he is the nicest guy ever. he was conned in to helping me move my furniture by tara. but he offered up his help on his own tonight to me. it felt really good. i have people who are around for me, even strangers.

i have thought of cleveland as a dump for a long time now. i think my recent boyfriend hated it and turned me off to it. i never minded the homeless. i would give a dollar or two here and there when i could. i didn't mind seeing all of its ghetto-fied glory, because it was so much more glorious than youngstown ever was.

i now realize how much i'm going to miss it here. the city. the waves crashing on the beach in edgewater park as i drove in the earling morning light on the shoreway. the new friends and connections i've made in such a strange time of my life. friendships that will probably never last, or will last a lifetime. i know who the people are who are close to me. i know who will be around to support me no matter what. i never felt this in youngstown, or for my entire life for that matter.

now is a time to be thankful for everyone i have in my life, no matter how fleeting they are. i will miss everyone. i will miss this place. i will miss this time in my life, one day.

i will miss cleveland.

Rest

I am physically and emotionally drained. I woke up today after a long night at work last night, and then some extremely light drinking afterwards, to a feeling of complete exhaustion.

I went to bed sad. I cried on my way home from the bar last night. I woke up sad. I cried in the shower before work. I got sick and threw up, but it was nothing but dry heaving. I wasn't even that worked up but I just got sick very quickly. The few sips of Diet Pepsi that I had just taken a few minutes before wouldn't even come up. I must be so dehydrated from alcohol this week that there is nothing in my system.

I ate a lot of garbage this week, and drank a lot of alcohol. Seven solid nights of drinking, followed by fast food, has wreaked havoc on my system, which was in good shape, as healthy as ever (aside from fits of chainsmoking). I am down to a 30 inch waist. I dropped an entire inch the week before, and I know this because the shorts that I bought recently that tended to sag a bit are now completely falling down to the ground if I don't keep my hands in my pockets or a belt on my waist.

I see and feel things changing every day. Today was definitely a day where I got up, skipped the morning coffee, broke down for a few minutes, and then went on with my day. I said a little prayer to help me keep my cool at work. I feel like I'm ruining my last few weeks at the restaurant here in Cleveland. I don't want people to remember me like this, the asshole that used to be funny and nice, but is now just a plain old asshole. I know many people are finding out my situation, and they definitely feel for me, but sometimes there is no excuse for words and behavior that I spew out on a daily basis. Hence, my prayer. Get me safely to work. Keep everyone important in my life safe and open to messages from above. Plain and simple.

I left for work and realized I really need to see my family. I got home and quickly changed, making my way back to Youngstown. I was almost falling asleep at 4:30pm on the way to my apartment to change. I almost fell asleep driving the almost 100 miles home. I stayed later than I expected, but I just need to feel comfortable so it was completely worth it.

The brightest part of my day was the photo album that my mother found. It dated back to 1977, when she was pregnant with me. It went all the way to mid 1980 when my sister was born. I'll tell you what, nothing made me sadder or happier recently that could top this. Sad for the fact that all those smiling pictures and cute baby crap turns into the mess that is life. Sad to know how fast life moves, how quickly things change, and how, all too soon, people disappear from our lives.

But I was happier by seeing these things. I loved seeing my smiling baby-face. I loved seeing the smiling faces of my parents at a young age.

I almost cried when I saw a picture of my mother and I. She, pregnant with my sister and lips pursed, and I, with my white-blond hair, leaning up to accept it. It was the most beautiful picture I've ever seen, and I was right there in it. It took me back to my entire life, how loving and caring my parents are, and how they're always around for me; even when I've had some major issues come up. It took me back to last weekend, when I cried on my mother's shoulder out by the lake, watching the fireworks pop in the distance over the trees, their relections shimmering in the water below. My mom held me and comforted me, told me everything would be ok.

I will think about that picture as I fall asleep tonight. It will wipe away all my worries and problems.

Stupidity or Reality?

Life is full of both. Is reality really stupid, or is stupid just the reality? Thats a ponderance.

My life has been completely upheaved in the past couple weeks. I honestly look in the mirror every day and say to myself, out loud, "How the f*ck did I get here so fast?"

So "A" and I broke up a week ago. I haven't written in a long time on here, but we had plans. Major plans. We were moving together to Savannah, Georgia, on July 31st, 2009.

Not anymore.

I am moving to Savannah, Georgia. Alone. But full of hope for a new life and a fresh start, a time to begin working on what really needs it. Not a relationship with someone, a boyfriend, building a life with someone. But me.

I will definitely not be getting into details. But I am now single. Hating it. Loving it. It has been an absolutely ridiculous change of events that I didn't know was coming, but knew was coming all along.

Wow. Yeah. Just thinking about everything puts my mind in a whirl. But I have come to realize a lot of things. And I have learned so many lessons, even if they aren't all so obvious to me at this point. I was in love. I'm not even sure what I was in love with. I know I had a good friend, a confidant, a partner. But even then, what is really sure in life? Another friend asked me, the day after the break up, this question: "Do you know what's certain in life?" I didn't have a response or answer. I had no idea. "What?" He replied, "Change."

Change. The only thing that is certain in life. And boy, am I experiencing a shit-ton of changes this week. I've laughed. I've cried. Hysterically, in both cases. I learn and move two steps ahead. I forget, and fall three steps behind.

I may be a bit abstract, but everything has changed from reality and abstract combined to a completely different abstract and reality. There it is again: change.

I am heading to Savannah in a little under three weeks. Alone. Scared. Confident. Terrified. Excited. Looking forward to living again, and learning. And growing. And putting to use all the lessons I've learned that I have completely forgot along the way.

I have said it a billion times, as many of us have. I believe in things happening for a reason. Not destiny, because if you knew your destiny, you could switch things up a bit. I am able to step back from this almost-year-long relationship I had with "A" and see things from a different perspective.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being sad. I'm sick of talking about it and explaining. What was, just a week ago, a two hour story has now become a quick, abbreviated 20 seconds of what I know to be true.

But, alas, I cannot help but miss my friend. Maybe we weren't that good of friends. I miss my boyfriend. I will get over it. I don't want to right now, but when I've been out with people every single day for the past week, I know that I want to and need to.

I miss you, "A". I will always care about you and hold a special place in my heart for you. We may never speak again, not for animosity's sake but because people grow, move, and change. But I will always remember some of the moments we shared, whether they were happy, sad, angry, or lonely. I will hold on to all of those things.

This is like a death I'm dealing with. Death of my friend. Death of my relationship. My very own death in many aspects. But what I have to look forward to is a rebirth. And I know that my rebirth is occuring at this very moment. Savannah, Georgia may not be heaven on earth, but it is the place and situation I need to be able to continue to grow as a human being. I cannot wait for this, but at the same time I want the next 3 weeks to go by as slow as possible. I need my friends and my family.

Stupid. Real. Everything is a bit of both right now for me. But change is certain, and change will heal me. I'm counting on it.