lonely

I know I needed a break from going out. But now that I have it, and I'm sitting here alone tonight, I'm really trying to focus on the future and not the past.

Man, this is rough. As I said previously, I jump two steps ahead in the emotional department and then immediately, without seeing it headed my way, fall three steps behind.

Everything hurts tonight. Everything is bothering me. I feel like I have no distractions, nothing and no one to ease my mind, no one to comfort me. I probably could find someone to make me feel better, but I think I need to feel like this. I don't want to go completely numb and just not give a shit anymore. I've been there and done that. I want to learn from this. I talked to people at work tonight and they reinforced my strength, my goals, and told me how much they were going to miss me. It felt really good. I know I'm a strong person and I can get through this. The loneliness is the thing I can't stand.

I went through so many years of being alone; middle school, highschool, college years, post-four-year-relationship, and now it seems to be back. I was always so hard headed, so stubborn. I didn't need anyone but myself. In periods of my life such as this, I guess I get so used to not being alone for a length of time that I really forget how independent I really am. I am actually really loud, fun, and crazy at times. But its just taking me some time to readjust to all of that. I feel like a stick in the mud around my family, my friends, and co-workers.

I want to live day by day and that is my definite goal. I want to wake up refreshed and be able to smile again. I want to fall asleep without having to squeeze onto a few pillows as hard as possible. I guess its just going to take me some time.

What makes things harder is that I get random texts throughout the past week from "A". As soon as I feel good or forget my emotions for a few minutes, "DING!" there's a new text.

I am taking a class for him online. I don't mind. But its so hard sometimes to know that I'm doing this for him. I have offered up so much assistance and help in the past for him. And I won't ever stop. If he needs me, I'm there. He has been there for me. I don't want him to resent me, and I don't want to resent him. I think we have a pretty good balance right now.

Ok, so to be perfectly honest, I really want to know what he is doing. That's normal, right? I mean, I want to know if he even thinks about me. Or cries. Or feels bad. Something. Anything. I know he cares, or did care. I don't know if he is emotionally detached already. I'm not. How could you be, after that much time? You would not be human at all.

I can't sit here and think I'm the only one suffering. I heard a girl crying on the phone outside in the street about some relationship ordeal, and it really made me feel better. I'm not the only one. And there are two sides to this ordeal right now, so since I'm only seeing and knowing my side, it seems to be that nothing else is happening in the world.

I am just missing him right now. I'm too lonely to care about anything else in my life at the present moment. I'll learn to be independent again. But for now, I'll just have to settle for feeling completely lonely.