Rest

I am physically and emotionally drained. I woke up today after a long night at work last night, and then some extremely light drinking afterwards, to a feeling of complete exhaustion.

I went to bed sad. I cried on my way home from the bar last night. I woke up sad. I cried in the shower before work. I got sick and threw up, but it was nothing but dry heaving. I wasn't even that worked up but I just got sick very quickly. The few sips of Diet Pepsi that I had just taken a few minutes before wouldn't even come up. I must be so dehydrated from alcohol this week that there is nothing in my system.

I ate a lot of garbage this week, and drank a lot of alcohol. Seven solid nights of drinking, followed by fast food, has wreaked havoc on my system, which was in good shape, as healthy as ever (aside from fits of chainsmoking). I am down to a 30 inch waist. I dropped an entire inch the week before, and I know this because the shorts that I bought recently that tended to sag a bit are now completely falling down to the ground if I don't keep my hands in my pockets or a belt on my waist.

I see and feel things changing every day. Today was definitely a day where I got up, skipped the morning coffee, broke down for a few minutes, and then went on with my day. I said a little prayer to help me keep my cool at work. I feel like I'm ruining my last few weeks at the restaurant here in Cleveland. I don't want people to remember me like this, the asshole that used to be funny and nice, but is now just a plain old asshole. I know many people are finding out my situation, and they definitely feel for me, but sometimes there is no excuse for words and behavior that I spew out on a daily basis. Hence, my prayer. Get me safely to work. Keep everyone important in my life safe and open to messages from above. Plain and simple.

I left for work and realized I really need to see my family. I got home and quickly changed, making my way back to Youngstown. I was almost falling asleep at 4:30pm on the way to my apartment to change. I almost fell asleep driving the almost 100 miles home. I stayed later than I expected, but I just need to feel comfortable so it was completely worth it.

The brightest part of my day was the photo album that my mother found. It dated back to 1977, when she was pregnant with me. It went all the way to mid 1980 when my sister was born. I'll tell you what, nothing made me sadder or happier recently that could top this. Sad for the fact that all those smiling pictures and cute baby crap turns into the mess that is life. Sad to know how fast life moves, how quickly things change, and how, all too soon, people disappear from our lives.

But I was happier by seeing these things. I loved seeing my smiling baby-face. I loved seeing the smiling faces of my parents at a young age.

I almost cried when I saw a picture of my mother and I. She, pregnant with my sister and lips pursed, and I, with my white-blond hair, leaning up to accept it. It was the most beautiful picture I've ever seen, and I was right there in it. It took me back to my entire life, how loving and caring my parents are, and how they're always around for me; even when I've had some major issues come up. It took me back to last weekend, when I cried on my mother's shoulder out by the lake, watching the fireworks pop in the distance over the trees, their relections shimmering in the water below. My mom held me and comforted me, told me everything would be ok.

I will think about that picture as I fall asleep tonight. It will wipe away all my worries and problems.