life changes so quickly

Its kind of crazy. Things move at such a rapid pace. Life can change so quickly. Nothing in my previous relationship department has gotten any better. I think its gotten worse. More strained. At the same time, I've begun a transformation into becoming a better person, becoming more stable within myself, becoming more outgoing.

I still talk to "A" every couple days, whether its through text or a phonecall. It is definitely not feeling right. I'm not used to this communication for communication's sake after a break up. I don't know how to act. I feel like he sounds as though he's a different person. Maybe its because of the fact that I want to hear him hurt, sad, depressed, upset; something, anything. I'm getting better every day, although I still continue to have random outbursts and breakdowns. I do it in public. I do it in private. I did it the other night in front of several people, and I am so embarassed for that. But I felt support.

I have met several new people in the past couple weeks. I have some people I'm communicating with online in Savannah, and it gives me hope that I will meet new interesting people wherever I go. I'm reconnecting with family and friends to the point that I'm kind of regretting leaving them. If I wasn't leaving and things never changed, I would never really have found out just how much these people mean to me, how much I mean to them, and what I really will know is special to me in my life. You don't know what you've got 'til its gone, but I don't feel like they will ever be "gone". They will be far away. Definitely not gone.

I met a guy last week. I like him a lot. I broke down on him as well. Let me just say this: I felt more of a bond, a connection, in a few short hours than I did with "A" in the entire past year. He said the things I needed to hear. He was close to me the way that I wish "A" had been. He made me feel so wonderful, in a completely non-sexual way.

I don't know if anything will come of it. At this point, 9 days from a 700 mile move, I highly doubt anything could. But things are happening to me every single day that are teaching me life lessons, and I'm truly trying to figure them out, or not to figure them out, just allowing life to flow along as it will. Maybe he will be around one day, maybe not. I can't be concerned with the outcome of that particular situation, but what I can be concerned with is how this is helping me heal my wounds tremedously. The simple fact that I will be able to love and care again has resurfaced. I will find someone one day who will treat me better and I will treat better than I could have ever imagined possible. That person will be my soulmate. It will only be a matter of time.

In the meantime, I spent the weekend working, partying extremely hard, sleeping as little as possible, and visiting with my family. My sisters' birthdays came and went, and I had the best time with the entire family. Everyone important to me was there. I know its the last time we will all be in one spot before I move, and it was one of the most emotional nights I've had in, well, I can't remember how long. I stayed up and talked to my mom. She told me how much change she's seen in me as a person. She made me feel so loved. I hope I let her know how much I love her too. She is really my rock, and we are so much more alike than I'd want to believe. But we are so similar. If I could end up half as strong as she is one day, I'd be super lucky. For now, all I can do is try.

I stayed overnight on an airmattress and slept like a baby under the circumstances.

I have a lot more work to do as far as packing and preparing for the move. I will get it done, whether its gradually over the next week and a half or all in a days time. But I will do it. I have so many people I want to spend time with too. I will fit everything possible in. I even have a date tomorrow night.

I'm getting very excited for everything that is to come.