Stupidity or Reality?

Life is full of both. Is reality really stupid, or is stupid just the reality? Thats a ponderance.

My life has been completely upheaved in the past couple weeks. I honestly look in the mirror every day and say to myself, out loud, "How the f*ck did I get here so fast?"

So "A" and I broke up a week ago. I haven't written in a long time on here, but we had plans. Major plans. We were moving together to Savannah, Georgia, on July 31st, 2009.

Not anymore.

I am moving to Savannah, Georgia. Alone. But full of hope for a new life and a fresh start, a time to begin working on what really needs it. Not a relationship with someone, a boyfriend, building a life with someone. But me.

I will definitely not be getting into details. But I am now single. Hating it. Loving it. It has been an absolutely ridiculous change of events that I didn't know was coming, but knew was coming all along.

Wow. Yeah. Just thinking about everything puts my mind in a whirl. But I have come to realize a lot of things. And I have learned so many lessons, even if they aren't all so obvious to me at this point. I was in love. I'm not even sure what I was in love with. I know I had a good friend, a confidant, a partner. But even then, what is really sure in life? Another friend asked me, the day after the break up, this question: "Do you know what's certain in life?" I didn't have a response or answer. I had no idea. "What?" He replied, "Change."

Change. The only thing that is certain in life. And boy, am I experiencing a shit-ton of changes this week. I've laughed. I've cried. Hysterically, in both cases. I learn and move two steps ahead. I forget, and fall three steps behind.

I may be a bit abstract, but everything has changed from reality and abstract combined to a completely different abstract and reality. There it is again: change.

I am heading to Savannah in a little under three weeks. Alone. Scared. Confident. Terrified. Excited. Looking forward to living again, and learning. And growing. And putting to use all the lessons I've learned that I have completely forgot along the way.

I have said it a billion times, as many of us have. I believe in things happening for a reason. Not destiny, because if you knew your destiny, you could switch things up a bit. I am able to step back from this almost-year-long relationship I had with "A" and see things from a different perspective.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being sad. I'm sick of talking about it and explaining. What was, just a week ago, a two hour story has now become a quick, abbreviated 20 seconds of what I know to be true.

But, alas, I cannot help but miss my friend. Maybe we weren't that good of friends. I miss my boyfriend. I will get over it. I don't want to right now, but when I've been out with people every single day for the past week, I know that I want to and need to.

I miss you, "A". I will always care about you and hold a special place in my heart for you. We may never speak again, not for animosity's sake but because people grow, move, and change. But I will always remember some of the moments we shared, whether they were happy, sad, angry, or lonely. I will hold on to all of those things.

This is like a death I'm dealing with. Death of my friend. Death of my relationship. My very own death in many aspects. But what I have to look forward to is a rebirth. And I know that my rebirth is occuring at this very moment. Savannah, Georgia may not be heaven on earth, but it is the place and situation I need to be able to continue to grow as a human being. I cannot wait for this, but at the same time I want the next 3 weeks to go by as slow as possible. I need my friends and my family.

Stupid. Real. Everything is a bit of both right now for me. But change is certain, and change will heal me. I'm counting on it.